Heroes Season 3 - Episode 1 - A Diatribe

So, last night was the 3 hour mega ‘Heroes’ special.

I sat down to watch at 8 o’clock, only to find that the pre-show was this like bizarre, I-should-not-be-here-right-now voyeuristic party, with characters acting like real people. This is not how I want my TV to be; I like to imagine that they’re NOT real people…so, let’s stick with that. If I wanted to watch real people, I'd watch crap like "Biggest Loser" or "Big Brother".

Then, they kept showing all this footage of how popular the show is; um – look, I’m already watching, which means I like the show. Stop trying to convince me to watch the show.

So, the show starts, FINALLY, at 9:00, following a plethora of annoying car commercials. And goes until 11, which is way past my bedtime, but I managed to stay awake.

I like to enumerate, if you haven’t noticed…

1. Watching Mohinder do it with the annoying Hispanic chick nearly made me vomit. His character has serious bipolar issues: one minute he’s: “yay! Heroes! Genetic mutation!” the next he’s like: “fuck it. This is stupid. I’m moving back to India.” Then, he’s like: “adrenalin! Yay! I want to be a Hero too!”. Then, he’s all: “whoops. I’m a mutant with flesh dripping off me.” Pick a side, dude.

2. I like the future Peter/Peter trapped in another body thing. That’s pretty sweet. What I didn’t like was that they just like sprung this one us, no doubt thinking: Our fans like intrigue. Yes, I do. But I don’t like nonsense. And this was borderline.

3. This episode is JUST like X-Men 3, which I liked but many people didn’t. Why? Because there were too many mutants. That seems to be Heroes “hook” to keep us watching; they kept talking about a DOZEN of those dudes escaping the prison, thanks to Elle. So, I guess in this season we’ll see a DOZEN bad guys, and there’s the whole good-guy, bad-guy thing fleshing itself out. Snooze alert – this doesn’t do it for me. I liked it better when they were just developing characters. I don’t want to watch an episode of Dukes of Hazzard every week.

4. Nathan Petrelli is boring. And what the hell happened to his wife and kids? Shouldn’t we, um…address this?

5. Who cares about the lovers spat between Hiro and Ando? Not me…

6. Where’s Kensei? He was my fav…

7. I guess when you die on Heroes, you don’t really die. Just like on Days of Our Lives…when Roman died, then John Black came BACK as Roman, then the real Roman returned to the show, so they had to make it seem like John Black WASN'T Roman and he had brainwashed everyone into thinking he was Roman when really he was just John Black all along... Sound familiar?

I hope it gets better. Because all I kept thinking about was Fonzie water-skiing…