Why I Hate David Blaine -- A Manifesto by Me

I hate David Blaine. I always have. For several reasons:

1. He's not a MAGICIAN, so stop calling him that. A magician can pick your card out of a deck or turn a hankerchief into a bird. What this asshole does is not "magic" -- its stupidity.

2. I have never in my life seen a man so in love with himself. And, considering the douche bags I've dated, I've been privy to alot of self-admiration. But this guy takes the cake. If you ever watch him being interviewed, count the number of times he compliments himself. Its nauseating.

3. He can't even do his stunts right. Like, that bizarre underwater fiasco he planned for prime-time TV last year? Yeah, he BLEW it. And someone (or someones) actually put this yo-yo on NETWORK TELEVISION. Atrocious. I don't know who I want shot first: the execs who put this on the air, the people who went to the event to watch or all the yahoos who flipped it on their TVs. I hate all of you.

4. He's going to be hanging upside down for 60 hours next week. Um, isn't this what our parents warned us not to do when we were children, for fear that it would cause permanent brain injury (I can only hope, Mr. Blaine)? Does this even make any sense? Seriously...does it? I mean, when was the last time you were sitting at home watching 'Mr. Wizard' and thinking: Gosh, I wonder what would happen to someone if they hung upsidedown for 60 hours. NO. No one was thinking this, and if you were, I hate you even more than I hate everyone from number 4.

5. I hope he contracts a deblitating disease and dies a long and painful death. Because everytime this guy gets any press, I die a little inside. Its about time we share that burden.